SHOT BY KERN - EUROPEAN TOUR

4.20 in Antwerp

2009-07-18T14:16:00.000-07:00

Apologies for the lack of Kern posts...it's been a busy few weeks in Albion. Over the coming weeks Jim and I will be posting some oldies from our trip so keep your eyes peeled.

Here are a some teasers from one of the shoots in Antwerp. We heard people were getting pretty upset because of equal opportunity and didn't like that we were only shooting hot single headed girls - so we found these siamese twins who were prepared to do all sorts with us.

Just kidding! Here is Zoe and Lina. They had never met before they came to the casting. Kern liked them both so much he wanted to shoot both of them and seeing as they said yes to anything he suggested they were more than happy to be shot as a pair.

They immediately bonded and had lots in common. They both like rock music, they both have huge tatt's on their back, they both have hippy mums, and they both really, really, really like smoking pot.

They couldn't wait to skin up. Their faces lit up when Richard told them he was doing a pot smoking series.

They got really giggly after this part of the shoot and interviewing them quickly became more and more difficult as they forgot what their own name was.

They would just stare at us blankly every time we asked them a question so we told them to just do what they do best and grab each others butts.

Some people are into conjoined twins though, right?

After a day of blowing smoke into each others faces we took them out into the woods where Jim asked them to play his favourite game - leapfrogging.

By the end of the day they were like totally BFF.

SBK Antwerp is going to be a really hot episode.

Milan - Giulia

2009-06-27T01:47:00.000-07:00

Ok so I'm backtracking a bit now, but we missed a load of girls so this is Milan day 2- Giulia (pronounced Julia), a Sicilian living in Milan. She was great... a reserved, and yet bubbly chainsmoker who listened to QOTSA 1st album on repeat, which qualified her pretty heavily in my book even before seeing her naked.....

....which as you will agree is quite an impressive thing in itself. She had these insanely gravity defying boobs, and Kern made her jump up and down on her bed for ages till she figured out why and ran off blushing into the toilet. I would post a screengrab of this but it doesnt really translate to the still format so you'll have to wait for the video for that one.

She freaked out a bit when Richard asked her to clean her feet for the camera and we were worried that this may have been some kind of religious thing, but for whatever reason she wouldn't do it. It was a wrong move on her part, cos they were fucking filthy.

got some Flemmish in my throat

2009-06-25T08:53:00.000-07:00

Antwerp is a strange yet beautiful city. It's very tranquil which is something we havent been used to on this trip (it has a population of just 12 people.) Jim and Kern stayed in a hotel where the receptionist goes home at 8pm (and which also smelt like babies according to Richard) and I stayed with Doris just across the river. Here is what Antwerp looks like on Doomsday.

As soon as we got there Richard was interviewed for Belgium tv. The girl interviewing him is like the Belgium Alexa Chung I think. Her first question was "So...what do we need to know about the man that is, Richard Kern?" Went down really well....

Their hotel was really eco-friendly. They also use rose petals in their loo's instead of toilet paper.

We had our own special hip hop room.

Another clean Vice office...this one even has an aquarium.

Richard was a big fan of the Belgium delicasy. His favourite was the 'sour balls'.

Jim is also a fan of balls.

I got tiered of Richard asking millions of girls to get their baps out so I told him to get HIS out for a change.

Weve been playing the game of '"How many different words that mean 'breasts' do you know?" Richard has swapped us a few American ones for British ones. Richards favourite is 'jugs', Jim's joint favourites are 'smash bags' and 'norks' and my favourite is 'baps'. Kern claims he can do the whole alphabet with a different boob word. Still havent found the time to test him on this...

Erica - Antwerp

2009-06-21T15:41:00.000-07:00

This is the girl we shot today.. Erica. She's Indonesian, but comes from Rotterdam (Holland).. Hardly any of the girls we shoot are actually from the city we're in.
She was rad to the power of sick. Here she is casually showering whilst 2 grown men videotape her. Pretty standard, really.

This was the first joint ive made in about 3 years now that i cant smoke it without being instantly transported to a land of demonic introversion and intense paranoia.
We didnt let her inhale much after what happened in BCN, but its better for the photos if you don't anyway.. you get that thick blue smoke. You don't have to be a hippy to think this is hot.

She was pretty good at bending over as demonstrated here.

This shot really hurt my arm to get so you better fucking like it.

Jim Hits.

2009-06-21T13:44:00.000-07:00

Its kind of strange...We have been discussing as we go along how even though we've all been to these countries before, doing so in such quick succession like this trip you really notice the cultural differences very strongly because you compare it so instantly to the place you just left.

There are many examples you can give to this anthropological diversity. Food culture is a big one, as is the country's general outlook or 'weltanschauung' as our German buddies would say.... Some countries are more passionate and aggressive, some more reserved, and some peoples are more welcoming than others. Not to say that everyone hasn't been more than accommodating so far, it's just that in Belgium they really take it one step further.....

I just happened to turn on the TV in my hotel room and they were so happy to receive me for these 3 days that they'd designated me my own channel. Simply called 'Jim', its catchphrase is 'Jim Hits' (this is no exaggeration on their part). It plays MY music videos (above you will see a grab of the Armand Van Heldon video we made last summer playing on it) and the rest of the time programs about playboy bunnies and cult 80's films. I think next there's a documentary about cats presented by Slayer and Daisy Lowe.

Thanks Belgium, perhaps you're not as bad as everyone makes out. (although we did miss Voivod last night cos the gig was too far out of town = bad organisation.. which I hate.)

Bianca - Berlin

2009-06-21T12:48:00.000-07:00

I have to apologise, I've been too busy filming unterhosen to update this blog properly. I'm gonna try get up to date asap. We're now in Antwerp and tomorrow we're getting two rock chicks stoned and taking them to frollic in some woods in their pants.
Suffice to say i'm still kind of enjoying myself.
I have I think 3 or 4 lots of screen grabs to put up from the last few days but I'm going to start with Bianca, our last girl of Berlin, just cos i happen to have some shots of her on the desktop. She is half German, half Spanish and a trainee masseuse in Majorca. (Shotgun rules apply)

Here she is simulating suicide. Never fear tho, it was an electric oven. No hot, naked european chicks have actually been put in real life-threatening situations. Yet.

She is front runner in best butt of the tour by some margin. I hope she may be beaten, however I'm not that optimistic.

We went to a bombed out ex-asylum in west Berlin so she could pretend to be a kind of sexy vagrant. Puts a whole new level to the expression 'bum'.

Here she is brushing her teeth. Again, naked.... in the bombed buliding. Works for me.

Entschuldigung, wo ist die bibliothek?

2009-06-21T09:58:00.000-07:00

I know Jim's already put shots of the Berlin girls up and now he's onto Belgium, but i'm gonna put mine regardless cause it's been saved for a while. I think were having some kind of blog war. He has way hotter shots of the girls so he wins most stared at photos. Anyway, here is my blog of our Berlin trip in a nutshell.

(Dad joke)

As expected here is yet another clean and organised Vice office that puts the London office to shame. In the distance you can see a tall figure that goes by the name of Rodney. (I have no other pictures of him). Not only is he 7 feet tall, he is also the most helpful person ever. We tried to see how far we could push his patience by turning up late for everything and demanding millions of different things at once but he would just say in a really calm Australian voice "oh, not a problem, put another shrimp on the barbi mate, watch out for the Abos". I would'nt have been able to do Berlin without him.

Here is German Vice God, Benji. He broke his hand last week doing some "disco dancing". His arm is actually permanently cast in this position so he looks like he's constantly going "why you pesky little kids" or maybe even "weeeeeee, are the champions, my friiiiieeeeeennnndddsss" depending on the expression on his face. I'd say it's the latter in this photo.

Here is the first girl we shot. Could she look any more German? Like Rodney, she was also 7 foot tall. Jim wanted me to stand next to her so he could take a photo of us but I wasnt really in the mood for being ridiculed.

Here is Tom Littlewood the German editor with Jimbo. He isnt German at all though. He's from oop north in ye old England but also talks with a bit of a posh voice which is weird cause there's noone posh above High Barnet.

Benji was kind enough to let us shoot Bianca in his flat. He's used to naked girls jumping on his bed and doing gymnastics on his kitchen table so it was no biggie.

We found this mouldy jar of apple juice in Benji's flat. I think he's trying to make his own gross jar. Richard used it as a prop for Bianca when he was shooting her as a homeless person in the bombed out building (cause tramps drink mould juice, obvs).

Bianca goes for a wee, festival style.

I love German words.

Eine Deutchland

2009-06-17T15:39:00.000-07:00

Arrived in Berlin this morning. We've been working and traveling non stop so we took a break for a couple of hours which felt like a whole day off. Jim and I rushed into town to buy some new shoes for him, we bumped into some special people along the way.

I think this is a shop for really really really really really really really, really...really fat people.

Berlin takes pride on its clean streets.

It was our taxi drivers first day which is always a treat to experience.

I'm not entirely sure what this was.

We befriended a guy called Rolph who washed all our filthy clothes for us and made us the best latte weve ever had. More to come from him...

ti faccio un culo così...

2009-06-17T15:16:00.001-07:00

Leaving Italy was really hard. Jim and I are totally in love with all the Vice Italia people and want to work in their amazing clinical white office space forever and have group lunches at work like they do instead of soggy sandwiches in front of our computer screens.

For our last night we decided to really eat in style. We didnt tell the Italians where we had really eaten as they'd probably burn us alive. Jim claimed that there was something a bit authentic about this Maccy-D's though as it had burgers with "fok-achia bread and parmizan cheese an' everyfing". There was some begger children asking me for money but instead I bought them McFlurry ice creams instead and after one of them ate her ice cream she asked for a bacon double cheese burger with fries and Coke even though she definitely didnt look like she needed more food.

Serena came and found us and took us for some rich chocolate gellato to really help digest our dinner.

Then we went to a bar and we talked about David Hasslehoff's performance on the Berlin Wall and Tim taught us some rude hand gestures. Jim indicated how he wants to rip someone another ass hole.

Guilia

2009-06-17T14:59:00.000-07:00

For our last day in Milan we shot at Guilias house. Serena and I made a great lunch.

Here we are being small and washing up.

We practiced our sexiest pouts for Kern.

Richard played the voyeur a bit more.

Guilia wins the best booby prize on the trip so far.

.....

2009-06-17T14:47:00.000-07:00

After spending a whole day at Willy Wonker's chocolate factory we decided it was time for Richard to get in the glass elevator and have the ride of his life.

Italiaaano, espagetttiii, chinko chenko, ravioli, ciao bella, belisssimo....

2009-06-17T12:20:00.001-07:00

This was one of the places the Italians took us to have dinner. It was a simple family run restaurant and they did the best anti pasti ive eaten in ages. So good I had to take a photo of the buffet table like a Brit abroad.

Here is Jim doing an impression of a Brit abroad.

Here is Tim doing an impression of an Italian

Here is Lele doing an impression of another Italian. I could never get his hands to focus cause they moved at the speed of lightning constantly.

Here is Richard doing an impression of London hipster DJs The Trash Pussies. We were joined by the lovely Marta from Muse Magazine.

Sidney - Milan

2009-06-16T04:54:00.000-07:00

More to come tonight.

Sidney

2009-06-15T10:10:00.000-07:00

Today we spent the day in Lele's house. Here is Lele dressed as the dancers from the Hot Chip video "Ready for the floor".

He just got a new tattoo yesterday which looked amazing but made his ankle swell up. He kept saying it was "diss-guuuhhhsteeeenngggg".

He has about 400 tatts on his body but this one is my favourite.

This is Sydney who we shot today. She's definitely my favourite so far, I have such a girl crush on her. I would kind of blush every time I talked to her which was rare cause she was too hot to look at directly in the eye. My hands were shaking a bit when I took this photo.

Jim was also too nervous to shoot the hottest girl in the world so he just kept pointing the camera at Tim instead.

I dont think he got any shots of her he didnt point the camera at her once. He's probably fucked everything up. Nice one Jim!

I was jealous of Obi, Lele's pupp. Even he couldnt look at her.

Jim will add more exciting stills later. He thinks my blogs are boring.

Milanooooooo

2009-06-15T08:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we arrived in Milan. Our hotel sucks but this map on the wall was the best thing i've seen in ages and I wish I had this on my wall in my flat.

First stop off was the Vice office that looks like a minimal white space ship. They were all working on a Sunday cause they're so damn efficient. I think it helps to be productive in an office that's clean and doesnt have rat traps everywhere like Vice London.

Gavin had his photos up still from the exhibition.

To impress the models, Jim spilt some coffee on his shirt. Girls go nuts for clumsy guys.

Here is Federico and Serena. Serena is as small as me but Italian and hot. She's been amazing help.

Serena's tattoo.

Here is Tiiiiiimmmmmmmm. We used to intern together in London and now he's basically running the show in Vice Italy. I'm proud of him. Here he is demonstrating how to milk a prostate.

Tim showed Jim how to drink the most masculine cocktail in Milano.

People in Italy have 4 arms.

Cause Jim's such a kkerrraaaaazzzzyyyy guy, he bought some shades with the American flag on them. He's ready for a keg party. "KEGGGGGERRRRR"

He bought me heart shaped ones so we could be matching. It's a tribute to Kern.

LUNCH FOR DINNER

2009-06-15T05:59:00.000-07:00

Raddest person ever.

LAURA BCN

2009-06-14T15:14:00.001-07:00

More Laura screengrabs. The whole day had a 70's soft porn vibe.. A Spanish Linda Lovelace.. it was all soft focus,big fringes and backlit doe-eyed poses = Amazing.
She got bare lean after smoking a giant Mayumi supplied spliff in about 3 mins and honked and greened out for ages..
BTW if you think she is hot, you should have seen her younger sister. OMG WTF etc..
The gene pool in Barcelona appears to be quite strong.

Barcelona - Laura

2009-06-13T18:31:00.000-07:00

Today we shot a stunning Spaniard called Laura. We first shot her in her room which looked like it belonged to a pagent queen..

Richard got her to get in her shower with her see-through panties on which was pretty hot. Then she took her pants off but I missed it (fail).

Then he got her to smoke a joint for his pot-smoking series but she kept toking on that thing like there was no tomorrow and about 10 minutes later she pulled a whitey and her beautiful olive skin turned as white as a ghost. She hurled, and Jim filmed her laying in bed trying to recover which pissed her off and spoilt his chances of pulling.

This is Miguel, he works in the fashion department in Vice Spain and was amazing to us. He did all the interviews. He describes himself as a homophobic fag. I wish all gays were like him.

Then we took her to Monjuic Park where both Richard and Jim pointed a camera up her skirt for about 2 hours.

She tried to take a break by reading some poetry, but Kern wouldnt leave her alone.

Hello freaky buddy!

Then we went for dinner with Lydia Lunch who had just bought Saw 3 on dvd. She told amazing stories and I talked to her husband about bikes and bombs. We had tasty tapas. Jim had some baby octopus.

We went back to Lydia's house and I touched the bomb which was a bit like ball with lots of metal nipples coming out of it. She said "put that down little lady before someone gets hurt". I've never been in the presence of anyone as cool as her.

Lydia and Richard did an impromptu interview for Jim. I laughed at every word that came out their mouth and I realised I will never be rock and roll.

Her house was great. I think she likes Donny Darko.

Then we dropped Richard home and went into town to meet Maria, Miguel and Natalia (who has also been an amazing help) in town. Maria forced us to all do tequila shots.

They were projecting some Warhol videos on the wall which weirdly resembled what our day had been like. Jim is obviously the guy with the sexy red bandana, I am the lady in the lime green shirt.
The naked chick we are groping looked almost identical to Laura.

This was our incredibly stupid bar man. There was 6 of us and we managed to order 4 rounds of drinks with him only charging us for one round. If we ordered more than one drink he would panic and go get his pad and pen to write down what we wanted. Even then he got it wrong. Instead of paying him money I made him play with this phone that was on the bar and pretend to speak to people. He played along for way longer than you would ever imagine. Even when the joke was dead and I forgot about him he was still pretending to talk to someone. I think he thought it was funny. Jim said he was a Troglodyte which I didn't think was even a real word until we came home and he made me google it.

Best thing about Spain: baby squid.
Worst thing about Spain: everything you touch is greasy (not good for people with hand washing OCD)

I have to be up in 3 hours to fly to Milan.

Lunch by Pegs

2009-06-13T18:29:00.000-07:00

Shot By Gurn (tbc...)

2009-06-13T18:26:00.000-07:00

Barcelona - Mayumi

2009-06-12T16:44:00.000-07:00

This is Mayumi our first Barca girl. She is half Japanese, half Brazilian and kind of sickeningly fit. It got really hard to move on cos everything she did in-between shots, even stroking a dog or leaning against a fridge warranted another photo shoot. Even the gay Vice Spain Fashion dude who was helping us out said he got a boner when she started mopping the kitchen floor in some see thru panties.
The apartment we shot in was amazing and there was an extensive pool shoot.
The light here is amazing and everything ive shot looks infinitely better than colourless overcast shitty Britain.
Tommorrow we are getting a girl naked in the grounds of Montjuic Castle, and going for dinner with Lydia Lunch.
Hows the tube strike working out for you losers?

Snakes on a plane

2009-06-12T12:15:00.000-07:00

These Essex hen party hags were on our flight to Barcelona and Richard was sat right in the middle of them as they went through their repertoire of shit lad(ette)s 'on tour' anthems.
By some incredible feat of ineptitude I managed to lose my phone within 5 minutes of liftoff and after the plane landed and the whole flight deck searched to no avail we realised it must have been lifted.
After some Columbo like deductions I remembered realising the phone was missing after using the toilet and I recalled two of the hags scowling at me as i came out of it. It was clearly them.
I have been scouring the Ramblas for the offenders each time we pass but nothing yet although we did walk past an almost identical troupe of peroxide stella guzzling trollops in Bari Gotic earlier on. There's no escape.

Debby.. Day 2

2009-06-12T08:22:00.000-07:00

This is ´Deborah´ from Bristol.. she was super sweet. Her and her boyfriend who put her up for the shoot regularily critique hardcore pornography and keep rats and do drawings of satan raping virgins and shit, but to talk to her its like butter wouldnt melt.
We shot her first in Dalston then took her to Maryon Park in Charlton to recreate some scenes from ´Blow Up´.. Richard had her pretending to piss on top of a cliff and play dead under a tree. To balance out the necro stuff we stopped en route for a frolic in a poppy field.

Keex

2009-06-12T06:22:00.000-07:00

For our first shoot day we shot Keex in a real-life-Action-Man's house in Clapham. Keex was incredibly hungover but she still looked amazing. Richard got her to wear a thong which she wasn't into but her ass is great so it didn't matter. She had us in stitches all day with talk of her new band Sperm Javelin. They make sounds like aerodynamic sperm. Richard is great to work with.

Me and Jim dream that every day goes as smoothly as this.

Keex - London DAY 1

2009-06-12T04:00:00.000-07:00

Richard made Keex brush her teeth about 5 times till foaming paste dripped out her mouth and onto her top. Not sure why but it kind of reminded me of come.

This is from the casting.. she was pretty drunk and started rubbing the straw from her gin and tonic on her boobs. Richard said normally it'd be a massive no-no for a girl to turn up drunk but its pretty hard to resist someone in a band called 'sperm javelin', no matter how pissed they are.